It's almost Christmas. So like clockwork it was time for another flareup from the past. I hate these flare ups. I hate the small ones and I despise the big ones. For many years I tried to run as fast and far away from my past as possible A few years ago I got tired and decided it was time to deal with it. It was time to deal with the past, recover and move forward. The most recent flare up has motivated me to act on a prompting that I've had for the past couple of years to speak out. It's my goal to speak out in a way that is informative of my perspective but also (hopefully) to make me a better person.
I'm the youngest of 4. I have 3 older brothers, they are my half brothers. We share the same dad and have different moms. My dad had custody of my brothers so I grew up in the same house as them. My mother was/is abusive. We now believe that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. However, she has not been formally diagnosed. There are enough medical professionals in and around the family that came to that conclusion. From what I've read on the disorder it describes my mother very well. My father mentally checked out on life a very long time ago. I barely know him and I have no idea if he cares about us or not. Most of the time he stood by and did nothing while my mother went into her rages. At times when we were older (teenagers), he would pin our arms behind our back so we couldn't defend ourselves.
While growing up I knew what was going on in our home was wrong. But I had no idea how bad it really was until I moved out. What I grew up with was my norm. That and I was surrounded by friends that came from broken homes. So the idea of the family that was described at church always seemed unrealistic to me. However, my first year in college I lived with 5 other girls. All of those girls came from good families and I got my first glimpse of how a family was suppose to be. I don't think any of those girls will ever know just how big of a blessing they were to my life.
Now here I am. I just turned 30. I think it is time for me to speak up. For the past 2 years I've felt prompted to make my voice heard. But it has been difficult for me. I didn't tell anyone about my past until I was 20 and that was only to 1 very close friend. Before I married my husband I gave him a general sense of just how screwed up my family was but it took me 5 years before I told him details. And I trust my husband more than anyone in this world. So that should give you an idea of how deep my trust issues are. It wasn't until I turned 26 that I really started to deal with my problems. I've been open that my family doesn't get along but not open on the details. Usually, I've made broad sweeping statements such as "my family doesn't get along" or "I drew the short stick when it comes to family". I'm making it a goal to not make such statements as they don't help me and I think make things awkward for others.
I've gone to therapy which has help a lot. I'm not currently in therapy because my insurance won't accept my therapist anymore and I don't feel like finding a new one. I will eventually go to therapy again. Don't worry, it is not critical if I don't go. I don't require medication. It's really more therapy sessions to coach me about moving on and how to deal with my mother who is not completely there mentally and abusive.
For now I will blog. This is a baby step to making my voice heard. Here I can write down my thoughts/feelings and hopefully this will help me heal, move on and become a better person.
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